Military Family & Marriage
1.
AFTER an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my
mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and
me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief.
"Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and all this luggage belong to you?" "Yes,
sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his
interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have
used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Mary E. Levy
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2.
SOON after my military discharge, my five-year-old son and his buddy asked to
play with an old Army cot that was in the garage. As I was helping them carry the cot
outside, I heard my son tell his friend, "He won this in the war, you know."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Dick Smith
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3.
FOLLOWING a 12-month tour in Vietnam with the 362nd Signal Battalion, my
husband Bill, a captain, went to Japan for R&R. He purchased an exquisite set of
china while he was there and had it shipped to his mother. Bill then signed on to serve
another tour. When he finally returned to the States, his mother prepared an
elaborate homecoming meal. But, as he sat down, Bill noticed the mismatched dinner
plates they had been using since he was a boy. "Mom," he asked, "didn't you receive
the china I sent you from Japan?" "Yes, I did," she replied, "but I'm saving it for a
special occasion." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Bonnie Morris
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4.
I HAD BEEN in the Army for six months when I was awakened early one Sunday
morning by the sound of a siren. Instinctively I jumped out of bed, ran for the exit and
stood, half asleep, at attention outside the door. Then my mother switched on the hall
light, and I found myself standing at attention, on a weekend pass, outside my own
bedroom. --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Bernard Ebsteen
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5.
WHEN MY DAD and his brothers were little boys, their mother often baked cherry
pies and always left several pits in each pie. The brother to find the first pit was
rewarded by not having to do the dishes. It seemed that my father always found the
first pit. Years later, during World War II, Uncle Lou, an Army pilot based in the
Philippines, received a little box from my father. In it was a cherry pit and a note that
said, "This seed has brought me luck for years." My uncle came home, safe and
sound. --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Bobbi Rushford Grimes
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6.
WHEN MY HUSBAND was stationed at Eglin Air Force Base in northern Florida,
I worked as a bookkeeper at the officers club. Several military personnel worked
with me, one of whom was going through a bitter divorce. One day he came raging
through the office waving the latest of many letters from his wife's lawyer. "What's
with this forthwith?" he yelled. The young private at the next desk replied, "Ain't that
somewhere over near Dallas, Sarge?" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Alice Bunch
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7.
MY SON-IN-LAW, Carlos, stationed at March AFB in California, was deployed
to Saudi Arabia for three months. Before leaving his wife and three young children,
he sat down with four-year-old Andrew. "I'm going to be gone a long time," he said.
"While I'm away, you're going to have to be the man in the family. You'll have to take
care of your younger brother and sister. There are lots of things you can do around
the house." The more he talked, the bigger Andrew's eyes got. Finally Andrew
turned to his mother and said, "You'll have to help." --Contributed to "Humor In
Uniform" by Shirley Solie
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8.
DURING WORLD WAR II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day
wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts,
received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young
man in love, he went AWOL. He and mother were married four days earlier than
originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the
explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "Okay, okay!" Then, as an
afterthought: "But don't let it happen again!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by
Sandra L. Caron
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9.
I AM a first sergeant in the Army stationed at Fort Carson, Colo. After our
waterbed sprang a leak, my wife and I were grateful that my sergeant major offered
us the use of his spare conventional bed. But we were unaccustomed to a regular
mattress and slept restlessly the next few nights. On the following weekend, we
attended a formal dinner with the sergeant major, his wife and other² couples. My
wife and I grew sleepy, so we made our apologies and started to depart early. One
of the women asked why. My wife responded that she was exhausted as a result of
many sleepless nights in the sergeant major's bed, winked at the astonished man and
walked out, leaving him to explain to his guests. --Contributed to "Humor In
Uniform" by SFC Richard S. Davis
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10.
MY HUSBAND, Bill, is a Navy man, and a year and a half ago, while making our
wedding plans, we decided that he would ask the chaplain of his ship, the USS New
Jersey, if he would marry us in the church on the Naval base. Bill phoned me at
work. "Honey," he said, "how would you feel about getting married on the ship? The
chaplain prefers to perform the ceremony in his parish, which is on the ship." "I'd love
it," I replied excitedly. After hanging up, I phoned my mother. "Guess what?" I
shouted. "Bill and I are going to be married on the USS New Jersey!" "That's
wonderful," Mother replied with a sigh. "What a way to start a marriage on a
battleship!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Belinda Townsend
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11.
I WAS A CAPTAIN in the Air Force, and my wife was a sergeant. One evening at
the officers club, we sat down to dinner and noticed a new couple at our table. The
woman wasted no time introducing herself as a captain's wife, emphasizing her
husband's status. She explained at length how miserable their last base had been
because they "had to live next door to those enlisted people!" "You think that was
bad," I retorted. "I have to sleep with one." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by
M. F. M.
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12.
AS A RECRUIT nearing completion of basic training at Fort Knox, I was looking
forward to my leave home. After 13 weeks of sleeping on the ground, eating Army
food and being tormented by drill sergeants, all I could think of was clean sheets,
Mom's cooking and some relaxation. Arriving in Boston the day after graduation, I
was greeted by my joyous family. "Just wait until you hear about the camping trip
we've planned!" exclaimed my mother. --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Curt
J. Carlson
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13.
WHILE WE STOOD at attention during a parade, the private next to me waved to
someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" our drill instructor sternly
whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the
barracks after the parade, the DI barreled in and barked for Jones to come front and
center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was
wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?" "Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my
mother!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Andrew G. Ramon
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14.
WHEN I WAS 11 years old, my father, an Army colonel, was stationed in Europe.
After planning a last-minute trip to Greece, our family of five raced off to Rhein Main
Air Base in Frankfurt. We arrived in the departure lobby, where entire families were
waiting for the next available flight. To their annoyance, we were put at the top of the
passenger list because of my father's rank. We were also first to board the military
cargo plane. The weary people in line behind us groaned as my father marched
toward the only five cushioned seats in the aircraft. Then he hesitated and moved on
to the seats used for carrying troops. "Make yourselves comfy, kids," he boomed.
"This is how we fly in the Army!" Suddenly smiles appeared on the rest of the
passengers' faces, and my father was the toast of the flight. --Contributed to "Humor
In Uniform" by Erin Y. Lynch
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15.
WHEN I came back to the States after a tour of duty with the Marines in Vietnam, I
stayed with my parents for a 30-day leave. Mom's rules were simple: I could come
and go as I pleased, but I must let her know when I returned home each night. After
one long evening with friends, I crept into the house and didn't knock on Mom's
door. Late the next morning when I came down to breakfast, she glared at me with
icy silence. "Look, Mom," I said, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I got home safely last
night, but what did you do all the time I was in Vietnam?" "Well," she replied, "at
least then I knew where you were!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Bill
Bruckner
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16.
MY HUSBAND AND I, both active-duty Navy officers, were married by a notary
public in Jacksonville, Fla., where I was stationed. Our wedding took place the day
the Operation Desert Storm cease-fire was announced. We had gone to the
courthouse on my lunch hour, so I was still in uniform. After the notary pronounced
us husband and wife, he smiled and shook his head. "One war ends," he said, "and
another begins." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Lt. Stephanie Gainer
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17.
AFTER our son Greg was accepted by the U.S. Naval Academy, we went to a
meeting where parents of third-year midshipmen spoke about the difficult plebe year.
When the new plebes left the room, the veteran parents told us to be prepared for a
middle-of-the-night phone call from our son or daughter wanting to come home.
Greg was at the Academy for a month when the phone rang late one evening. My
husband answered it and handed the receiver to me, saying, "Greg would like to
speak to you." I silently prayed I would find encouraging words. "Mom," Greg said.
"What do you use to keep shower walls clean and shiny?" --Contributed to "Humor
In Uniform" by Jane Stefanon
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18.
LATE ONE NIGHT, while serving as officer-of-the-deck at the Marine Barracks in
Washington, D.C., I received a long-distance phone call from the family of a sergeant
in my platoon. I quickly sent a corporal to summon the man from the
noncommissioned officers quarters. Since it was well past the hour of lights out, it
was impossible for the corporal to find anyone. So rather than stumble through the
darkened squad-bay, he announced in a loud whisper, "Phone call for Sgt. Roberto
Gonzalez Aballucia-Garcia!" From the far corner came the gruff voice of a sleepy
Marine: "Which Sgt. Roberto Gonzalez Aballucia-Garcia?" --Contributed to "Humor
In Uniform" by Woody Eney
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19.
I WAS THRILLED when it was announced that my sister, Sheila Widnall, an M.I.T.
professor, was nominated by President Clinton to be the new Secretary of the Air
Force. Our mother's reaction, however, was a bit different. "Why would Sheila take
a job like that?" Mom asked. "She doesn't even type." --Contributed to "Humor In
Uniform" by Sharon Maes
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20.
I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND, Richard, while we were assigned to McConnell
Air Force Base in Kansas. At our rehearsal dinner, my soon-to-be father-in-law
stood up to toast us: "Although Richard is an aircraft commander and outranks Janet,
a captain, I'm not worried about her. Being a navigator, she'll always be able to tell
him where to go!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Janet Lewis Hix
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21.
IN THE ARMY during Operation Desert Storm, I found myself in a world that had
changed little since Biblical times. With so few creature comforts available, packages
from home containing cookies and canned goods were received with great
anticipation. When I got a box from my sister, I happily tore into it, only to discover
just how far from home I really was. She had filled it with packages of microwave
popcorn. --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Robert T. Sims
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22.
WHILE I WAS SPENDING TIME with my grandmother in Atlanta, a friend who is
a lieutenant colonel in the Army and her six-year-old daughter came to visit from Fort
Benning. I asked the little girl what she did on post. "Oh," she said, "we play Civilian
Life." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Katie Orvold
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23.
MY FIANCE had been sent to basic training in the Coast Guard at Cape May, N.J.,
soon after our engagement, so I visited him when he was given his first liberty. That
evening we had a wonderful, quiet dinner, and then we took a romantic, moonlit walk
toward the ocean. But at the sidewalk's end, he stopped. "Let's go down to the
water," I suggested. "What?" he replied. "And have the sand ruin the shine on my
shoes?" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Bonnie Wright
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24.
WE WERE EXPECTING our first child while my husband was a captain stationed
at Fort Ord, Calif. The "big day" came, and I was in advanced labor when we
arrived at Silas B. Hays Army Hospital. An hour later, our daughter was born. My
husband went out to telephone relatives and overheard an enlisted man berate a
nurse: "Isn't that just like the Army! My wife's been in labor for seven hours, then
some captain's wife comes in and they let her have her baby first!" --Contributed to
"Humor In Uniform" by Fran Britton
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25.
AS A GREEN BERET, I was assigned to a tough, proud outfit stationed in South
Korea. One mail call, I received a package from my wife, Rosemary, back in the
States. Imagine the ribbing I got when I opened it and found a T-shirt with these
words printed across the chest in big, black letters: "Rosemary's Baby."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Capt. Lars A. Ogren, USAR
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26.
AT FORT SAM HOUSTON, I knew a private whose mother baked such delicious
cookies that whenever he received a package from home, he drew a crowd and was
left with precious few of the goodies himself. He was eventually reassigned, and one
day I bumped into him and asked if the members of his new unit were equally fond of
his mother's cookies. "They've never tasted them," he replied. He went on to explain
that the first thing he did after his transfer was to write to his ten-year-old sister,
asking her to send him a batch of her awful oatmeal cookies. Then he went around
enthusiastically offering them to his fellow soldiers, who gagged on the first bite. "Ever
since then," he said cheerfully, "my packages from home haven't attracted much
attention." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Richard Iannelli
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27.
SOON AFTER MY WIFE gave birth to our third child, in an Air Force hospital, I
reminded her that our first child had been delivered in an Army hospital and our
second in a Navy hospital. She didn't bat an eye as she told me, "To hell with the
Marines." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Lt. Cmdr. George L. Steer (Ret.)
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28.
WHILE I WAS a Marine drill instructor at Parris Island, S.C., my wife and
three-year-old daughter joined me for lunch after recruit graduation. As we entered
the base restaurant, my daughter charged ahead of us and collided witha woman. In
my firmest drill-instructor voice, I asked my little girl, "What do you say when you
run into someone?" The woman looked at me in fright and said, "Excuse me, sir!"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Gunnery Sgt. Mark E. Harris
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29.
A FRIEND OF MINE joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He
asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You
don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." "No, you don't
understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy." --Contributed to "Humor In
Uniform" by Mindy Stone
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30.
AN ARMY FAMILY living at West Point, we invited a new cadet and his parents
for dinner. The young man had just completed the Military Academy's intense,
six-week boot-camp-style training course, and his mother was thrilled to see that her
17-year-old son had survived the ordeal. During dinner she asked him, "Do you think
you've been changed by your experiences at West Point?" He looked straight at her
and replied, "No, sir, I haven't changed at all." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"
by Joanna Gonzales
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31.
MOST FRIDAY NIGHTS at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at
the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he
had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his
bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick. When his wife answered
the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills
in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung
up. A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's
baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note:
"Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home." --Contributed to
"Humor In Uniform" by Harry E. Clark
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32.
WHILE SERVING in the U.S. Army in Germany, I exchanged letters with my family
by cassette. On one tape, my grandfather began telling me stories of his days in
Europe during World War I. He reminisced for about five minutes. Then, in the
background, I heard my grandmother saying something to him. There was a short
pause, and Grandpa resumed talking: "Well, got to go. Your grandma says this is
long distance, you know." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Dan Walsh
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33.
I REALIZED just how fully a Navy friend of mine had been indoctrinated in
antisubmarine warfare when I asked him whether he knew the sex of the baby his
wife was expecting. "We believe it's a boy," he answered, "but that analysis is based
solely on low-confidence acoustic intelligence." "He means," his wife clarified, "I had
a sonogram." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Lt. Col. James T. Currie
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34.
DURING THE PERSIAN gulf war, our son Dan served with the Third Battalion,
27th Field Artillery. On the first anniversary of the war, we were watching a
commemorative program on TV. "Dan," I asked, "can you recall what you were
doing one year ago today?" "Sitting in the sand," he said. "Dan," I told him, "I was
sitting in this room with your mother and four other women who were crying their
eyes out." "Well," my son said, "I guess you had it a whole lot worse than I did."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Forrest Dunbar
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35.
DURING THE PERSIAN gulf war, our son Dan served with the Third Battalion,
27th Field Artillery. On the first anniversary of the war, we were watching a
commemorative program on TV. "Dan," I asked, "can you recall what you were
doing one year ago today?" "Sitting in the sand," he said. "Dan," I told him, "I was
sitting in this room with your mother and four other women who were crying their
eyes out." "Well," my son said, "I guess you had it a whole lot worse than I did."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Nancy Panko
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36.
OUR SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, both officers in the Army, visited us for a
family reunion. Soon a bat and gloves were brought out, and everyone was enjoying
a game of baseball all except my daughter-in-law. After many poor attempts at
throwing, she was about to give up. Then our son yelled to her, "Captain, ma'am!
Just think of the ball as a grenade." She pulled the imaginary pin, threw a perfect
strike and a star was born. --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Martha A. Mathis
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37.
WHILE MY HUSBAND was stationed at George Air Force Base near Victorville,
Calif., my sister and her family came for a visit. One afternoon we took them on a
tour of the base. Since my civilian sister had never been on a military installation
before, she was impressed with our self-contained "city" -- grocery store,
department store, gas station and even a golf course. Near the end of our drive, we
were on a road parallel to the air-base runway. "Wow!" she said when she spotted
the control tower. "You even have your own airport!" --Contributed to "Humor In
Uniform" by Shirley Jacob
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38.
MY PARENTS became engaged and were married while my father was in the
Coast Guard. Mother thought it would be romantic to have the Coast Guard's Latin
motto, which she assumed meant "Always Faithful," inscribed in his wedding band.
She didn't have time to have it done, though, and later was glad. Semper Fidelis is
the Marines' motto. The Coast Guard's is Semper Paratus, which would have had an
entirely different connotation for a newly married couple: "Always Ready."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by L. N. Lemond
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39.
RETURNING HOME from Operation Desert Storm, our small Navy detachment
was delayed overnight at Brunswick, Maine. The morning of our departure, my
buddy and I decided to walk to the terminal instead of riding with the others. On the
way, we stopped at the base flower shop to buy fresh roses for our wives. But when
we got to the terminal, we were reprimanded by our gunner and senior chief
because, as they said, how would it look if only two sailors had roses? So the rest of
the detachment hustled over to the flower shop. And when we arrived at our
destination, off the plane came 18 sailors -- all bearing roses for their wives.
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by YN1 Ronnie E. Manning
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40.
MY MOTHER has neatly organized her correspondence for years, keeping track of
everything from my father's love letters to wedding invitations and birth
announcements. But when I came home from boot camp, I was surprised to see all
the letters I had written her divided into two even stacks tied with twine. Explaining,
she said, "The first stack is letters where you complain about the food. In the second
stack, you complain about everything else." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by
Erin Cochran
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41.
MY HUSBAND and I both grew up in military families and are now raising three
Army "brats" of our own. At each of our 14 assignments, we've taken the kids to
historical sites and other landmarks. When we told them that our summer vacation
plans would include visiting San Francisco, Disneyland and Marine World, our
daughter Molly looked annoyed. "Not Marine World!" she exclaimed. "I'm sick of
gun museums!" --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Lynn S. Baker
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42.
I WAS PREPARING FOR DEPLOYMENT to Haiti as a member of the 82nd
Airborne Division. My wife and I had tried to explain to our six-and three-year-old
sons, Joshua and Benjamin, why I was going and all the potential risks involved. Still,
nothing could prepare me for the tears welling up in my eyes as I was about to leave.
Stopping for a last good-bye, I only managed to stammer, "See ya later, Josh. Be a
good boy." "See ya, Dad," replied Joshua. "Hope you win." After that, I left with a
smile on my face! --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Capt. Mark A. Smith
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43.
A CONSTRUCTION CREW that went aboard my husband's ship, the USS
Prairie, erected a temporary work shack. Tacked to it was this sign: "Little House on
the Prairie." --Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Dolores M. Johnson
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44.
IN THE MARINE CORPS, those with the Fleet Marine Force often go on long
deployments. When my husband, Jim, came home from such an assignment after a
six-month absence, he found a welcome-home yellow ribbon stretching across the
yard to the front door -- and ending in a bow tied to the lawn mower. --Contributed
to "Humor In Uniform" by Denise Larson
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45.
MY HUSBAND Brent, our four-month-old baby and I were shopping when Brent
remembered he had to take care of some paper work at his Army Reserve unit. We
stopped there near the baby's feeding time, and as we waited for Brent, our little one
became increasingly fussy. I sat and rocked him, vainly trying to quiet his cries.
Several officers peeked in to check on the commotion. "I know just how he feels,"
one lieutenant consoled. "I cried my first day in the Army too." --Contributed to
"Humor In Uniform" by Theresa Mellor
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