Tips for a Yankee Moving South

[Navy6064]

Tips for a Yankee Moving South


1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'." as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store – it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than southerners living there.

25. In Southern churches you will here the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor." You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy." "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

[AngelBear]

Hehehehehehe

[66MP1]

[Grimmy]

LOL.

I remember navigating by "farsees"

When y'all git to the corner go as far as ya can see, three times. Then y'all should see a big ol' tree, turn there and go as far as y'all can see two more times and y'all should come to a big ol' church, then go.....

[Covertness]

Tips for a Yankee moving south?

Do a U-Turn at the Virginia border.

[USMCRET6391]

[Brad]

All us Southerners already know this. This is a fair warning to all Yankees (northerners who visit the south) or D___ Yankees (northerners who come south and stay)




Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip up on a man for less than that.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda, this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Co Cola , even if you want a Pepsi.

Southern women don't fancy smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.

Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.

Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are more literate than you (See: Welty, Williams, Faulkner, et al), better educated and a whole lot nicer to boot. We've got plenty of common sense, too. (See: MTV, Netscape, Turner Broadcasting, WorldCom, etc) Not that we can't act foolishly (See: Clinton, Fordice, et al). But that's none of your business. We don't care if you think we're dumb (see: Andy Griffith). We know better.

Yes, we know the humidity is high, just quit belly aching, spend your money and go home.

No, the state symbol of Louisiana is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is aggrevating us too (it's Tennessee, anyway)

Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God intended.

Don't try to talk with a southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe. (see: Dan Ackroyd, Driving Miss Daisy).

Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are!

We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about those scores, cause we just don't care.

Most of us know how to speak proper English. We talk like we often do because we want to. It's kinda like playing Jazz, you have to know how to do it right.

By ALL means, do not try to tell us how to Bar B Que. This could cost you your work visa. You're mighty lucky we're letting you stay down here anyway, don't push your luck!

[USMCRET6391]

[Brad]

Because of misunderstandings that frequently
develop when Yankees and Floridians cross states such as North Carolina,
South Carolina, Alabama,and Georgia those states' Tourism Councils have
adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more
work before reakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to
get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red Georgia clay. If you like the
color, don't wash your car for
a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it - they're called
"clods."
4 . We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven
years old. Yeah,we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5 . Any references
to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped .....by
our women.
6 . Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for
those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.
7 . Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want
to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long
- go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9
. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final
approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your
ear at the time.
10 . That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We
can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11
. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.
12.Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over
ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened
- add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better
be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14 . So you have a sixty thousand
dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines
that we use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have
one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's
yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they
want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner
together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast),
we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school foot-ball
games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with 'yes sirs' and
'yes ma'ams', and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to
see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do "hurry up" well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but
you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salt back or a hamhock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish , bass, bream, and carp, too. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21 . They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it?
Interstate95 goes two ways-Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and pepper on them. You
want to put milk and sugar on them - then you want cream of wheat - go
to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
24. So every person in every
pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
Oh...People sitting on their porches and standing in their yards do the
same thing when you drive by.
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish - and if you hit it
in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not
baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap.
It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave
a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislatures (all 4 of
them) enacted a measure to stop this. There
is now a $10 fine for beating the person up.

Now, enjoy your visit and y'all come back now ya hear...

[Covertness]

Nice Brad. You might be interested to know that I have a brass plaque at the base of my flagpole. It reads, "Try to burn this one"

[Lupin1]

A helpful guide for any southerner thinking about coming to visit us up here in New England.

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....
People in New England plant gardens.

50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.......
People i