Definitions For Cynics

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DEFINITIONS FOR CYNICS

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and
Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a
closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to
frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life
and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic enterprise.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we
might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive
visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop
a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday
morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying
client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry
into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in
the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or
that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other
at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives
of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their
possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny
copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about
three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our
neighbor's parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough
of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an
oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity,
appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local
TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A
performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone
in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork
rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the
negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but
who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the
mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those
expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to
bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those
in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.