Martha Stewart's Top Tips

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MARTHA STEWART'S TOP TIPS (British Jokes)



OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross

out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves

the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for

shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy

audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator

pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old

rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the

passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding

an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving

across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow

you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by

will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his

lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking

around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid

for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the

other in your coat pocket.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the

subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2

days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread

knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst

in the air.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and

locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the

escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast

wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your

indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell

you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a

drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front

window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in

the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which

items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking

their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop,

then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give

twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by

simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,

but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails

will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a

red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by

simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and

cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug

of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost

instantly removed.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone

else to hold them while you chop away.

HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom

in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of

the road every time you have a minor accident.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find

the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at

people as they walk up the aisle.

SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following

morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full

of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars for giants.

INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on

when their guide dog isn't looking.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by

filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then

urinating into it, before jumping in.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in

the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a

guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women

in bikinis.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well

as fun-sized ones for giants.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty

'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This

would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name

plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the

job.