It’s hazardous to your health

[Navy6064]

It’s hazardous to your health




It’s a good thing — A man went to get his driver’s license renewed at the local Division of Motor Vehicles and, as usual, the place was jam packed.

The line inched along for almost two hours until he finally was able to get to the front and get everything taken care of, ending with having his picture taken in order to get the license.

Before leaving the window, though, he decided to inspect his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “Ya know, I was standing in this line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “Oh, it’s okay, Bob. You know that’s exactly how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

- - -

New hobby — I’m getting into swing dancing.

Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

- - -

Little Johnny — Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was wrong.

“What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about your homework again.”

“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But, just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

- - -

Hazardous to your health — Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you. The next day, I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day, I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day, I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you. This morning, I stopped reading.

- - -

Broken chainsaw — A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The redneck is suitably impressed and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all day!”

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong and the redneck asks, “What’s that noise?”

- - -

Hmmm... — Attributed to Jay Leno: “Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election.”

- - -

Boat 99 — At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake’s edge and yelled through his megaphone, “Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up.”

Several minutes passed, but the boat didn’t return.

“Boat number 99,” he again hollered, “return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.”

“Something’s wrong here, boss,” his assistant said. “We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: “Boat number 66,” he yelled. “Are you having trouble out there?”

- - -

Fair warning — Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

- - -

Career Day — Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you’re a Navy SEAL. Case in point: My grandson’s pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

“So,” asked one little girl, “can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?”

- - -

Groaner — A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

“Is Fred home?” he asked the woman who answered the door.

“Sorry,” the woman replied. “Fred’s gone for cotton.”

The next day the collector tried again. “Is Fred here today?”

“No, sir,” she said. “I’m afraid Fred has gone for cotton.”

When he returned the third day he sighed, “I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?”

“No,” the woman answered solemnly, “Fred died yesterday.”

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with this inscription: “Gone, But Not for Cotton.”

[beeches]

This is good(lol)

[Donald]

lol