Life In These United States

[Navy6064]

1.
WAITING for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our
leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had
quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time. Thinking to myself
that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other
undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?" After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is
pregnant now." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Margaret Nutter
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2.
I AM an aerobic-dance instructor, and often put my students through tiring but
muscle-firming exercises. During one class, members propped up on elbows and
knees were raising and lowering their legs behind them. The sight of all these limbs
pumping up and down in unison made me think of a scene near my Texas home.
"You all look like little oil derricks," I said laughingly. A disgruntled mutter came from
one perspiring exerciser who said, "I'd rather look like Bo Derek." --Contributed to
"Life In These United States" by Judy R Jonas
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3.
DURING THE LAST SESSION of our teaching workshop, participants were
asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to
update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response,
however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. "I resolve to
exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mary E Peretti
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4.
AFTER WORKING FOR MONTHS to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and
I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling days, we
made it back to the canyon's rim. To celebrate, we each bought an "I Hiked the
Canyon" T-shirt. About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a
young man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked. My
husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!" "No kidding!" the fellow said.
"What year?" --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Carol Latkiewicz
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5.
WHEN I CALLED to make an appointment with my eye doctor, the receptionist
said there was an opening the following Saturday at 10 a.m. "Sorry," I said. "I'm
running in a five-mile race at nine that morning, and I wouldn't make it in time." "How
about 1:30 then?" "I don't know," I began, remembering my daughter's three o'clock
dance recital. In an incredulous tone, the receptionist responded, "Just how slowly do
you expect to run?" --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Michael Smolinsky
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6.
I HAD PERSUADED a very unwilling friend, who is overweight, to go horseback
riding with me. "It's fun and a good way to exercise," I said reassuringly. At last he
lifted himself into the saddle. Gingerly patting his mount's neck, he said, "It's going to
be great exercise for us both I'll be riding and the horse will be weight lifting."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Margaret Keynes
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7.
CONCERNED ABOUT fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To
my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to
combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told
the instructor. She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied with a laugh. --Contributed to "Life In These United States"
by Judi Bourne
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8.
ONE RAINY MORNING, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the
house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics.
When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency.
"What is today?" inquired one man. Without hesitation, Mom replied, "Trash day."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jaime Swart
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9.
ANNETTE, my wife, had bought a membership for me in an exclusive health club. I
thought that maybe she, too, would like to join, so I asked her, "Do you want to
come with me to the club tonight to see if you would enjoy it?" "Are you kidding?"
she replied. "Not until I lose ten pounds!" --Contributed to "Life In These United
States" by Mike Gubov
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10.
MEMBERS of the exercise group at our hospital sported T-shirts containing all kinds
of messages. Chuckles broke out, however, when a Catholic priest showed up
wearing one from his seminary days. Across the front was emblazoned: "Expectant
Father." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Dolores Eichman
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11.
FEELING OUT OF SHAPE, I decided to ride my bicycle to the bank. My staying
power soon gave out, and I was visibly tired and sweaty when I finally pulled up to
the drive-through window. The teller looked at my disheveled condition. "Do you
want to make a deposit or would you like to take out a car loan?" he asked with a
straight face. --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jody Buie
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12.
CAUGHT UP IN the fitness craze, I joined a club that offered a reasonably priced
membership. Although I never went, a year later I hurried back to renew. "Do you
guys have a name for people like me who join and never show up?" I jokingly asked
the well-muscled man behind the counter. "Sure," he responded with a grin. "Profit."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Randy Padawer
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13.
MY FRIEND BILL and his secretary were jogging from their office building to the
parking lot. As they ran, one would challenge the other, passing and running ahead;
then the other would do the same. Nearing the lot, Bill sped ahead, running at full tilt,
with his secretary in hot pursuit. They passed a security guard. Smiling, he quipped,
"Now there's a switch!" --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by James Kirchner
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14.
TO MY SURPRISE, my 40-year-old husband decided to join our daughter Laurel
in taking roller-skating lessons. After their first session, Laurel bubbled over with
descriptions of "scissors" and "T-stops." "The T-stops are the hardest," she
proclaimed. "And what did you find the hardest?" I asked my husband. "The floor,"
he moaned, "the floor." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Joyce Pacher
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15.
ONE FOGGY MORNING, my brother went out to get the newspaper and was
knocked over by a jogger. "I'm so sorry," the woman said as they got to their feet.
"You're the second person I've run into in this terrible fog." "I think I can help," my
brother said, going back inside. He returned and put something into each of her
hands. She thanked him and disappeared into the thick mist, making jingling sounds
with the bells my brother had taken off his daughter's outgrown slippers.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Violet Glossup
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16.
WEIGHT GAINED around his middle spurred my husband into joining an exercise
club. After he had been working out for half an hour, the director came over and
commented, "You seem to be doing only leg exercises. That's not really where you
need it." "I'm trying to strengthen these legs so they can hold up this body," my
husband explained. --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Emily Keen
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17.
MY WIFE LEAVES NOTES to herself scattered throughout the house. For several
days, wherever I turned, I saw a piece of paper with the words: "Don't Forget --
Shake 'n' Ache." Curiosity got the better of me and so I asked, "What do you mean
by `shake and ache'?" "It's a reminder to go to my aerobics class," she replied.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Henry Botwinich
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18.
WHEN A COLLEAGUE'S COUSIN was visiting from Washington, D.C., we took
her on several nature walks among our many citrus groves and rolling hills. On one
particularly beautiful morning, we were hiking downwind of a large orchard lush with
orange and lemon blossoms. The light breeze carried their scent to us in heady
waves. The woman reached out her arms and spun around in sheer joy. "This is
incredible," she exclaimed. "It smells like a room freshener!" --Contributed to "Life In
These United States" by John W. Gilyard
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19.
MY WIFE AND I are avid joggers but seldom run together because our speeds are
different. One day she started out before I did. Two miles later, I overtook her and
said in my best Humphrey Bogart voice, "Where you going, sweetheart?" Without
missing a stride, she replied, "Your pace or mine?" --Contributed to "Life In These
United States" by David Allnutt
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20.
ONE OF MY CO-WORKERS told us he and his wife were going to start a fitness
program. That weekend they planned to buy an exercise bike. A few days later, I
asked how they liked the new machine. He said, "It was too big for my wife -- and I
didn't like the way it was made. We traded it in for a VCR." --Contributed to "Life
In These United States" by Richard A. Sager
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21.
ON MY WAY to a party, I planned to stop by my sister's new apartment to give her
a copy of a Yellow Pages phone book. To my dismay, the road near her building
was blocked off for a marathon competition. I parked as close as I could and
strolled by the sweating runners. One runner spotted the phone book. As he
staggered by, he gasped, "I wish I'd let my fingers do the walking!" --Contributed to
"Life In These United States" by Denise Lussier
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22.
ASTONISHED, I watched the man roller-skating toward me on the bicycle path.
An owl, wings outstretched, clung to a leather patch on his shoulder. As they got
closer, I could tell that the giant bird had lost part of one wing. The skater stopped
for a breather. "Twice a day we go out so he can pretend he's flying," the man told
me. "I'm sure he would repay you if he could," I replied. "He already has," the skater
said. "I used to weigh 25 pounds more and I smoked." With that, man and bird took
off again. --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by James Edminster
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23.
WHEN JACKIE hit his late 40s, he started jogging. A few weeks later the familiar
figure was no longer going past our house. "Have you stopped running?" I asked him.
"The first week I ran one block and walked one block," Jackie began. "The next
week I ran two blocks and walked a block. The third week I ran three blocks and
walked two blocks. "The fourth week," Jackie concluded, "the math got so darned
hard that I just gave it up." --Contributed to"Life In These United States"by Carla Sims
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24.
A FRIEND OF MINE had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group
until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us
for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. After a month of
running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had
discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what
I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays." --Contributed to "Life In
These United States" by Neil P. Budge
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25.
AFTER I had left the house for my usual five-mile morning run, I realized I had
forgotten to put the trash out. I ran back just as the garbage truck pulled onto my
street. The loader waited patiently as I made three trips from the garage, dragging
boxes and bags. Twenty minutes later I was running out of our subdivision and
caught sight of the same garbage truck driving slowly ahead of me. Soon I was
directly behind it. When the loader looked my way, he said, "I hope you didn't
change your mind about something, because we don't do returns." --Contributed to
"Life In These United States" by David Smith
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26.
OUR HOUSE is on the route of a triathlon. Every year my parents invite friends over
to sit on our deck and cheer the athletes. Last year one older runner impressed my
father. The man ran by and Dad called out, "I admire your courage!" Glancing at Dad
sitting comfortably on the porch, the man shouted back, "I admire your wisdom!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judy A. Hall
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27.
WHILE VISITING the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide
path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill,
I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it. "We're
coming to a hill," the mother announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me --
are you ready?" I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I
passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement: "I think I can, I
think I can . . . ." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by John Gallagher
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28.
MY HUSBAND, an exercise enthusiast who spends an hour and a half at an athletic
club every morning before work, encouraged a middle-aged and quite overweight
friend to join him for his morning sessions. The co-worker decided not to tell his wife
about his new project until after he had shed the pounds, and he faithfully began
meeting my husband at 6 a.m. every day. At the end of the first week, the friend's
wife of many years rolled over in bed and offered this parting advice: "I don't know
where you're going, dear, or what you are doing. But just remember: you aren't used
to it." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Debbi Beauchamp
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29.
WHILE WORKING OUT at the gym, I noticed that a middle-aged man on the next
machine had stopped exercising. He was sprawled on the lifting bench and slowly
turned his head toward his youthful trainer. "When your muscles feel as if they're
going to explode," the man asked, "and you think you'll die a slow, painful death, is it
time to take a break?" "Yeah!" exclaimed his young coach. "Isn't it great?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Marco Artioli
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30.
A GOOD MANY RUNNERS use our neighborhood streets for their daily exercise.
One morning as I was driving to work, a runner and I were coming to an intersection
at the same time. I wanted to turn right, but was uncertain who had the right of way.
He glanced nervously over his shoulder as he sensed my approach, and I flipped on
my turn signal to let him know my intentions. To my delight he stuck out his left arm
and, crooking it up, signaled his own right turn. The two of us went around the corner
together with ease. --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Robert H Lauer
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31.
A FRIEND wanted me to enroll in an aerobics class. "No way!" I exclaimed. "I tried
that once." "What happened?" she asked, looking puzzled. "I went, and I twisted,
hopped, jumped, stretched and pulled," I replied. "And by the time I got those darn
leotards on, the class was over!" --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by
Louise Osier
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32.
MY FIANCEE, Jan, and I had bought mountain bikes and planned to ride them
often. However, we soon discovered that we weren't in good shape for riding, as we
had assumed. After our first excursion, I asked Jan about going out the next day. "I
don't know," she responded. "Let's play it by rear." --Contributed to "Life In These
United States" by K. Hodges
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33.
CONCERNED about his weight, my husband took up jogging. Undaunted by a
bitter cold spell, he donned long johns, sweat suit and terry shorts. Next came two
shirts, a sweat shirt and a nylon windbreaker. Huge earmuffs under a woolen cap
completed the outfit. "Aren't you afraid you'll look rather silly running in all those
clothes?" I asked. "It's not how I look while I'm running that bothers me," he said.
"It's how I look while I'm standing still!" --Contributed to "Life In These United
States" by Eleanor J Thayer
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34.
DURING my uncle's physical exam, his doctor mentioned that he was slightly
overweight. "Do you get any exercise?" the physician asked. "Well, I used to have an
exercise bike in the TV room," my uncle began. "Used to!" the doctor said. "Where
is it now?" "I had to store it in the basement," my uncle confessed, "because it got in
the way of my snack trays." --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by
Wayne R. Reif