A one date dinner

[Turtledrive]

Chez Ranger
by Frank Rodgers

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the
day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before"
for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make,
I finally settled on something she has DEFINATELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and
eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles,
and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass
pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork
chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE
cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from
one
of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks
fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up,
added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water.
I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of
Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle,
and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that s**t is f ***ing EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me
over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of
MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw
the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal,
she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that
I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she
liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert,
she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to
make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself
to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite f**t punctuated her utterance
of
dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What
the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into
the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit
on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to
her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't
come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me
laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and
said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her
an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner,
because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000
calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years
ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without
a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't s**t for 3 days,
and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell
it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner
for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food
beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said
that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date.
She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had
been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an a**hole, but it was still a funny night.

[AngelBear]

[Navy6064]

Lmfao

[RFleischman]

heard it but still funny as hell!